The Downfall of America

The unemployment crisis!

Unemployment in America

The White House is scratching its collective head and appealing to the public for ideas on solving unemployment. Something dramatic must be done before a few million people…. bankrupt and homeless….march on Washington and pitch tents in Lafayette Park.

Here’s my idea. Why not establish a 24-hour television channel that highlights available jobs throughout America? All kinds in fifty states. Including working for the government. And Uncle Sam pays for relocating while the employer arranges affordable housing.

Certainly this plan would create a national migration of individuals and families.

But if you’re married with two kids, lost your job and health insurance, no more unemployment insurance and depleted all savings, your only alternative is bankruptcy, and possibly a homeless shelter. So why not move to another city and get a new life?

This may sound like a fantasy, but it’s a viable solution because the unemployment figures will go higher. No question about it. Ask any economist. If our government can bail out the banks, why not people? The cost would be a pittance compared to the billions handed out to bankers. And action is needed today, not tomorrow.

For starters, President Obama should appropriate funds for an Office of Employment Opportunities (OEO) and a director with the intelligence and resolve of a Bill Clinton or Madeline Albright. He or she will direct the entire operation as a bipartisan enterprise beginning immediately.

Employers can email their requirements to a central office with full details. Staff workers then post the openings on line and the TV channel simultaneously. Thousands will apply for each job and the most desperate advised to send their resumes and photos. The others are urged to seek another employment opportunity on the government web site or its TV channel.

Meantime, the governor of each state and the mayors of cities, will be asked to locate and list the vacant and abandoned factories or buildings in their communities that could be converted into low cost housing. This “extreme makeover” process is going to involve skilled electricians, carpenters, painters and other compassionate citizens to volunteer their services. Is this an impossible dream? No. Just listen to Susan Boyle sing “I Dreamed a Dream” and get inspired..

Our country is not great. It’s the greatest. During World War II army engineers could build bridges across the rivers overnight. By morning tanks, trucks and troops were crossing a river to engage and defeat the enemy. We need that sort of ingenuity during these catastrophic times now. Let’s build bridges over the troubled waters in America!

(abelalan2000@yahoo.com)

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The Downfall of America

by

Osama bin Laden

NOTE: Osama bin Laden has prepared this speech that will interrupt and replace President Barack Hussein Obama’s next address. Forty million television viewers will see Osama bin Laden’s image superimposed over the President and hear the following speech. It has been obtained by an Iraqi double agent working for the CIA. He is now safely in the Federal Witness Protection program.

OSAMA: My fellow freedom fighters and American invaders. Let me begin by saying the reports on my illness, injuries and death have been highly exaggerated. I am very much alive and proud of the havoc and destruction al Qaeda has created, far exceeding my wildest expectations. Certainly, American infidels shuddered over the shocking and awesome attacks on 9/11. That was your wakeup call and we are doing better as you well know.

Here is my game plan, revealed only because although there will be more surprises, this one is already operational. Briefly, al Qaeda die-hards have quietly infiltrated various businesses, industries and government jobs in over two-thousand cities and towns. Our cells wisely took the required loyalty oaths and joined every patriotic organization in the community.

Secret sabotage is commencing nicely. For example, elevators are mysteriously getting stuck between floors, clerks in stores insult customers, bus drivers slam their doors on senior citizens, potholes are everywhere and streets littered with refuse.

Loyal insurgents in your post offices make sure packages are badly mauled, mail is delivered late, if at all, often to the wrong addresses or returned for postage due. Rumors fly that the government has incompetent employees. Customers complain to no avail and channel their anger into drinking, drugs, road rage and vandalism following sporting events.

These and other planned annoyances begin to breed increased hostility among all people. Your ruling class, sensing discontent, blames it on air and water pollution or burning the rain forest. Meantime, American traitors in factories are busy manufacturing defective products such as leaky toothpaste tubes, television sets with built-in snow and detergents that clog kitchen drains.

As our war on your nerves builds momentum, the civilian population goes ballistic. They cancel newspaper subscriptions, fight with neighbors and minority groups organize marches on Washington. A frightened nation elevates its terrorist alert to red, so everybody hoards food, water and gasoline except the colorblind. They remain uninformed and unprotected.

For the next phase, our loyal telephone operators will give wrong numbers, disconnect and play a recorded message constantly: “Please hang up and try again.” Then, hundreds of my computer geeks in Afghanistan and Pakistan are planting infectious viruses and billions of spam ads, code named “Bubonic Plague.” An epidemic of frustration soon immobilizes 300 million people who are enraged, ready to revolt and willing to accept any change in government.

Finally, on Halloween night, small al Qaeda agents, disguised as children, invade major network television stations to “trick or treat” and force repeated playings of “The Lawrence Welk Show,” “Green Acres” and “Ishtar.”

With 99.% of television households having destroyed their TV sets, the next morning swarms of cars will converge on main streets in every city. Their mission is to tie up traffic, causing gridlock, and prevent people from going to work. This quagmire allows my victorious regime time to occupy offices, rearrange furniture, change names on doors and write pink slips for the former occupants.

My takeover will be complete without firing a shot. To ease emotional pressure, because Prozac supplies are going to be in high demand, I might schedule a few public floggings. This weekly sporting event was the highlight of Taliban soccer matches during intermission. On my “A” list I have Ann Coulter, Chris Matthews, Paris Hilton, Dr. Ruth, Donald Trump, Barbara Walters and probably Jerry Springer.

Let me conclude by offering a special thanks to Saddam Hussein, whether he be in hell or heaven, who diverted so much attention away from my mayhem. He was such a wonderful patsy, a bumbling idiot with no class. Although, God willing, he did manage to hide our WMD in Syria before General Bush invaded Iraq. Didn’t you all love “Baghdad Bob?” He’s my choice for press secretary; unless Ari Fleischer wants the job and renounces his religion. We’ll see.

I look forward to bringing al Qaeda’s style of servitude to America and remember, the trapdoor to the White House will always be open. So feel free to come and visit anytime. In the meantime, you can write to me care of General Delivery, Islamabad, Pakistan. Also, look for my new puzzle game at amazon.com called “Where’s Osama?” The grand prize is $25 million dollars.

Now, if you will excuse me, praise Allah, I must get back to my wives who remain shrouded in misery.